“I'm Hoping It's A Visual Representation Of A Difficulty That Might Have Not Necessarily Seemed So Clear”: Jordan Stephens Outlines Some New Rules for Male Friendships

Jordan Stephens has spent years questioning what men are taught to keep to themselves, himself included. In The New Bromantics, a short film about male friendship and the lost art of physical and emotional tenderness, he turns his attention to the things men stand to gain once they let each other in.

There are few things more loaded than a man telling another man he loves him. A hug can quickly turn into a headlock or head rub; a compliment might be decorated with some cheek; God forbid anyone might mistake a little tenderness for something more. At some point in history male friendship became defined by a set of terms and conditions – but Jordan Stephens thinks it’s time to question who made these rules in the first place, and why we’re still so afraid to break them.

The musician, presenter, author and longtime advocate for men’s mental health has spent much of his adult life interrogating the things men are taught to swallow. From an early twenties spent in British pop duo Rizzle Kicks to his more recent work exploring sobriety, relationships and emotional literacy, Stephens has become increasingly interested in what happens when men are given permission to actually feel. Not just anger or “taking the piss”, but the awkward stuff that may occasionally be deemed embarrassing – and often is for men. Having feelings is not, in fact, particularly radical by any means. In fact, they can’t be escaped. However, admitting to having them can still feel as such.

In partnership with global men’s health movement Movember, Stephens’s latest project, The New Bromantics, takes this contradiction and gives it some TLC: Tender Loving Cinematography. Created and directed by BAFTA Cymru-winning filmmaker Tom Tennant, the short film brings Stephens on as executive producer, as well as starring alongside his former bandmate Harley Alexander-Sulé and a cast of real-life friends from across the UK. The task they were handed was to recreate historical photographs of men posing arm in arm, holding hands and leaning into one another with the sort of unselfconscious closeness that would raise a few eyebrows today. The results are comical, earnest and refreshing. What begins as a photographic exercise becomes a conversation about the strange rules governing how men are allowed to simply love one another – and this is just platonically.

Intended to be a conversation spurrer rather than starter, the film identifies a much bigger concern; that social isolation and a lack of meaningful connection remain significant perpetrators in men’s health. And though Movember continues to do their big bit, investing in and supporting improvements to initiatives for younger men’s mental health across the UK, these conversations are encouraged to start earlier and closer to home – as they did for Stephens. 

His friendship with Alexander-Sulé has moved through the pressures that can only be described as extraordinary – pop stardom, parenthood, sobriety and growing up. Navigating these milestones allowed them to find their way back to a deeper understanding of friendship and brotherhood over time. The former, he suggests, has its seasons, but it’s the people who stay through the big changes who are often the ones who know one best. 

The New Bromantics twists this ideology on its head. With men ranging from ages 22 to 73, having met anywhere from the Royal Marines to drama school to the local football pitch, it beautifully depicts how vulnerability is accessible to all men, at any time. And it’s by no means a guide to what it means to become a man, there’s enough of that content out there. Rather, it begs the question of what being a man has to look like in the first place. 

So, to unpack this further, Man About Town caught up with Stephens to talk brotherhood, emotional housekeeping and why actually, a little extra curiosity might do us all some greater good.

What are some of your core memories with your friends? What comes to mind when you think about the lads?

Core memory…Damn, that's actually hard. There's a lot of core memories. The lads, we've gone on a few holidays together. We went to Berlin together, and that was when we were younger, and obviously drinking a lot and partying a lot. I guess when we went on tour, we brought friends of ours with us, and then, when I was a bit older, there were two friends who we'd just hang out, smoke a bit, watch some telly, and then talk rubbish. We used to enjoy doing that.

What's something that your close knit circle knows about you that perhaps nobody else does? And even if this isn't a secret, perhaps it’s a hidden trait or party trick – it could literally be anything.

Jeez, these are good questions. I mean, my friends say that I do make…I can't say that. Wait, hold on. Fuck. I'm only stuttering on this because I feel like I am quite transparent in my life. I don't keep many things [to myself]. If I'm asked directly, I won't hide things. I guess I do have a bizarre memory for really obscure information. I don't think that's private knowledge, but I can remember conversations amongst people from years ago – like if it was interesting, I can remember it.

Is that something that you've always had, or has that skill developed more later in life?

I probably am a bit sharper now. But only because I'm sober.

Most of us got to know you through Rizzle Kicks. How did growing up and coming of age alongside another young guy in music, especially, change how you understood friendship, brotherhood and masculinity?

It's difficult for us to ever know what it'd have been like if it was just us on our own. I could only guess. There's definitely more support, and we're just forever bonded by the fact that we ultimately went through quite a vulnerable experience together, whether or not we were cognisant of it or not. One of the most bizarre ways this shows up, which is actually mentioned in the film, is that I actually wasn't around as much for the early years of Harley's first kid. I was around, but I wasn’t really around. But when I came around, he seemed to just know for some reason that I was important, and that was kind of weird. It was like an unspoken energy. And then, by the time we got older and both felt aligned, me and Harley and sobriety and life values, I was so proud of him as a dad and shit like that. I think it was really beautiful that we found our way back to each other, even after the pressure of sharing pop stardom, which was actually quite hard…I think spiritually.

That's definitely a unique experience, particularly the way that time plays a role in friendship and relationships. 

Yeah, it can be seasonal. But I guess that's how you end up finding who your friends are because like you go through massive life changes and they're still there, and then you think, "Wow, this is the person who really gets me.”

You've previously partnered with Movember on other campaigns. Tell me more about your relationship with the charity and how that's evolved over time.

I like what they do. Obviously, I want to be as supportive towards men as possible, and they help me facilitate that sometimes. And I'm just generally very happy that they helped with this film in particular because it was so organic, and I really loved the passion of the director. And I genuinely think it's one of these things that could make a difference. As lame as that sounds, I do believe that. 

Let's talk about The New Bromantics! How did it come about, and how did you come to be involved in it?

In short, Tom [Tennant] watched my interview with [podcaster] Paul [C. Brunson] where I talk about these photographs taken of men in the late 1800s, and how I think it's changed the performance of masculinity. He basically brought to life something that I loosely had in the back of my head around that time. I was over the moon, and obviously wanted to be part of it in any way that I could, he was happy for me to executive produce it, and so I put him in touch with Movember – fingers crossed – and it came to life. It genuinely surpassed my expectations. I think it's brilliant what he's done.

It’s beautiful!

I think Tom really got the idea straight on. So, in terms of that [visual] part of it, I didn't need to do much. It was more about facilitating how to make it happen, and I did. I just double checked a couple of things with him in terms of the casting, the range and the style, but we were pretty aligned, to be honest. It was mainly helping him secure the funding.

What emotions did the images evoke when you saw them for the first time?

He chose a particularly cool way of shooting. Obviously, he had the lens effect, which was cool because I guess it's bridging the gap between the fact that these are inspired from a particular era where there was only a certain type of photograph that could be taken, but brought into the modern day. I thought that was really cool. So fantastic job there. Shout out the DOP as well.

You've been outspoken about men's mental health for a long time now, and across different mediums, like in your debut book, Avoidance, Drugs, Heartbreak and Dogs. What are some of the things that you've observed and learned about the ways that men communicate or don't communicate with one another?

I talk about this in my book, actually. I think there's like two or three languages that men attempt to connect through, sometimes in a good way, but it's a shame that it's instead of direct communication. One is football. I think many boys and their dads would have secret conversations via football. Violence is another, to be honest. Fights, for example. I don't know if it's an appropriate quote, but I remember an early Florence and the Machine song, and it says, “A kiss with a fist is better than none,” which, in that context, is a bit fucked up. I'm not quoting it from her point of view, but for men, I think it's very true. And I guess they normalise making jokes out of quite serious situations, which is kind of beautiful and also sad. It's a mixed bag, you know. We – men – can really suck the tension out of a situation, which is great, but we also need to have the skills to be able to hold people when they're feeling a type of way,

You've also spoken a lot, publicly, about what could be also seen as potentially dangerous things that men are taught to internalise as fact. What are some of the ideologies, habits or patterns around masculinity that you've had to unlearn for yourself?

Oh my god, living from the neck up for a start. Learning how to feel has been a really important part of growth for me. Honestly, being a straight guy can be incredibly restrictive. There are all these rules of engagement; there's some types of clothes that people feel you can't wear as a guy; there's even some people who think that saying certain things sounds gay, shit like that. I've never really subscribed to that, but it's almost like dodging minds. It's dodging all these potential situations where men will kick you out the ‘man club’ or whatever. Also, I work a lot at looking at things through the female perspective. I have actually had to consciously go and do that, reading books by women, films, speaking and engaging with women, and realising that even if I'm an aware person or have women around me, I still would have taken in messages from films or television about what's acceptable in a relationship. I mean, I was a shit boyfriend for most of my early 20s, and I had to work at doing that. I literally went to a relationship workshop.

What was that relationship workshop like?

My friend Donna Lancaster ran it, and it's just learning basic things about what we look for in relationships and how we argue and how that could change our opinion of our partners if we know more about why they might be how they are, how much we expect from our partners, [their] boundaries. It's so important to learn how to engage with people in a relationship, and for some reason we think it's intrinsic, which is bizarre.

What has been your biggest takeaway from looking at both perspectives? How has that impacted your overall view?

I find it interesting that there's this accepted idea that men are simple and women are complex. The more I read and watch about women, the less complex they become. And then I think the reason why women might think that about men is because we cut ourselves off from our interior experience, and so we're not really able to articulate the inner workings. We kind of accept that they just aren't there, which I just firmly don't believe. I know from experience that's not true. Men are actually incredibly sensitive. I think people get aggressive and defensive and attempt to control their circumstances when they're scared or feel disempowered. 

Vulnerability is something that you've spoken about being really important in all relationships, but especially in terms of a collective approach towards men's mental health. What are the things that you've seen or think men have missed out on when vulnerability is treated as something that's not compatible with masculinity?

Men miss out on a level of depth in their community. One of my main concerns about men is them growing into an age where they realise they haven't actually formed particularly deep bonds because they're afraid to show parts of themselves in case someone leaves them or abandons them or you know reject them, but I feel like women seem to not. I'm just generalising here, but it seems like more of a thing for women to maintain those close relationships into their later years. I want that for men too.

In being more open about your own mental health, how have the dynamics of your friendships changed? Particularly with your boys.

It's opened them up. It really has. I was just saying the other day that I have conversations with my friends now about dating. I've heard him be more open about how that experience makes him feel, and not being afraid to speak truthfully and transparently about experiences that he's had. Sometimes there'll be fun and jokes around it, but ultimately, the fact that we're even having a conversation is very different to what I'd experienced previously. I think sometimes guys are afraid to talk about sex or talk about rejection or these situations because they would seem less manly. It's just not true. I get a lot of men reaching out to me, especially with my book, feeling that they were able to understand feelings they couldn't articulate before. That's a fucking dream for me. So I'm really hoping that it's improving the lives of the men around me. I can't know for sure but it definitely feels like the conversations are more open.

What do you hope people will take away from the film, and what would you like it to change about the way that we view friendship, from, for and between men, especially?

It's easy because of our constant constant access to everything in the world on the internet to think that like we live in a space where if a man hasn't reached a particular stage, whether that's emotionally or spiritually, that it's because they have refused to take the multiple opportunities that they have to ascend. I hope that it brings a reality to what most boys and men, conditioned in this world and structure, have to break through. It's not the fault of a young boy that he's fed loads of messages that would push him into a state of restriction. That's not their fault. So watching people push back against that, or even seeing some of the older guys in the video who don't feel held back by that narrative, you still notice that it's unusual that they're being able to push through that. It's admirable and inspirational. I'm hoping it's a visual representation of a difficulty that might have not necessarily seemed so clear.

What would be a sign that we’re moving in the right direction, especially with all the manosphere content and the focus on looksmaxxing and harmful male-centred ideals?

That's hard to say. I think we are [moving in the right direction]. Algorithms have a lot to answer for, but I see a lot more men talking about this than I ever have done. So, we just have to take the wins where we can. Let this film be one of them.

Watch Movember's The New Bromantics film here: movember.com/newbromantics